I don’t believe in lying to my children. I know that plenty of people do though.
There is the occasional white lie, (I will buy that for you another day) the ‘magic lie’, (the tooth fairy gave you that money) and even the bold face lie (there is a hidden camera in there and I can see whatever you do wrong.)
I cannot say that I have never lied to my children – I am not perfect. But I certainly try to limit it as much as possible. Of course that doesn’t mean that I tell my children everything. Sometimes I say ‘that is none of your business’ or ‘I don’t want to talk about that right now’ etc.
But why not lie? It is easier and can often get you out of a pickle both faster and smoother than the truth. Well, here are reasons.
1. Children are smart. Even if they don’t pick up that you are lying to them right now (which I think they often do) – one day they will realize it and that trust that you have worked to build with be broken.
2. It is good for them to hear things – even if they are uncomfortable. For example, ‘No, I will not buy you that – not ever.” Yes, you may see your child sad, cry or even temper tantrum but they are learning that they cannot always get what they want. The truth can hurt, but it is the truth, so why not just deal with it? Surely, along with that comes teaching children coping mechanisms for disappointments and yes, that is hard too. (Nobody said this parenting stuff was going to be easy!)
3. It can bring you closer by building trust. (This is the flip side of number one.) I have noticed that my children really appreciate when I am truthful with them. It can certainly be tricky at times. But when I chose my words carefully and remain honest I see the positive results our relationship.
What do you think? Is lying to your children ever okay?
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{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
I don’t think that I lie.
But I know that at times I definitely do not tell my 3yr old son the truth.
For a variety of reasons.
We have taught him about lying and it is interesting to watch him process it. He asks questions and will even tell other kids his age what lying is.
I’m a parent and a youth advocte/volunteer in two organizations. Kids and drugs are the main concerns in both of these groups. I was recently “encouraged” to lie to any kid, whether my own or in these two activities. The question was – What do I do when “my” kid(s) asks me if I ever tried drugs – or alochol before I was 21?
The statement that I should lie came from a person in law enforcement and in a position of authority and respect. I was told that if I didn’t lie about my past that I was an idiot.
I’m a veteran of the military and law enforcement with academics and actual down to earth working with kids – even in the justice system – I’m a volunteer – 20+ years of mentoring, coaching and youth advocacy. I was a kid once. A kid who was curious but had great parents. They warned me about doing drugs and alcohol. But kids do get curious. At least most of us who are normal.
I have never and will never lie to a child who ask me the question of whether or not I tried marijuana or tried drinking under the age of 21.
This person who stated that a lot of us are idiots explains that since he never did those things he is creating a culture that it’s not okay to do these things – I can go for that – but what about the foundation of the relationship with the kids?
He tried to say, “Waht if your wife asks you if she has a fat butt?” I replied that he was taking things out of context and that there is always a way to explain things to kids and not to glorify the past. He didn’t agree.
I’m looking for any kind of feed back. Nothing will hurt my feelings because it’ll be the truth. And if it does hurt I have the coping skills to get through it – like I teach all the kids I have mentored plus my own.
Thanks – looking for some good chatter.
Dear John, I really appreciate your comment and especially your ability to hold on to your values and integrity in spite of hard nosed criticism.
I agree with you that building relationships of trust with kids is the essential foundation of their emotional health and you can not build trust if you lie. ( as someone said in another comment, you need to be discerning as to how you tell the truth, in what context, what is the kid’s developmental stage etc.) but if the kid asks you if you smoked , that means they want to know. If you answer truthfully and talk about lessons learned, kids grow much more from the experience of being engaged in a thoughtful dialogue than from thinking the adult is “perfect”. Carol Dweck, in her book Mindset, writes about the difference between “fixed mindset” ( seeking perfection, results more important than process)and “growth mindset” It seems to me you have “growth mind set” while the law enforcement person who cautioned you, has a “fixed mindset” .
what do you or others think?