Question: How do I help an almost-6-year-old learn to handle disappointment and frustration?
This is a child with big emotions, both positive and negative. Nearly every time he doesn’t get his way, he instantly gives in to his impulse to stomp, throw something, cry, scream, and sometimes hit and push.
He is always apologetic and remorseful, and even berates himself, which I find disturbing (he says he is “stupid,” a word we don’t allow in our home).
Answer: At nearly 6, your son can learn to manage his strong feelings. The work may be hard now, but it will be much harder later.
It is good that his behavior bothers him, which may motivate him to change.
But if he is feeling hopeless, he will need your reassurance that he will someday learn to control himself.
He will need to know that physical aggression is unacceptable, and that you will do everything you can to keep him under control until he can manage on his own. He sounds like he is scared of himself, and he needs to know that he can count on you until he can count on himself.
Help from you will be far more effective if he can keep reminding himself that he, most of all, is the one who wants to learn. In calm times, help him make a list of the triggers for his tantrums.
Some triggers will be avoidable, others not. You can strategize together about how to handle both.
For example, when he can’t have what he wants right away, he could focus on when he can have it and what he can do while he is waiting.
Instead of pushing someone when he is mad, he can stop and think about what he is feeling, and why. Rather than getting physical, he can say, “I’m mad because I wanted to go first. If you won’t let me go first, then I’m not going to play with you.”
Of course he won’t be able to substitute these reasonable responses for the pushing and hitting right away. Tell him he’ll need to be patient with himself.
Look at the list and help him to identify any triggers that have warning signs. You can agree on a special code that you’ll both use, such as, “Looks like it’s time to cool down.”
But then he’ll need to know how. Ask him to think about what helps him relax when he’s feeling upset. Share with him what you’ve noticed, and give him some ideas to try.
For example, leaving the scene to go to his room, not as a punishment but just to cool down, can make a big difference. Does he have a teddy bear to squeeze really hard? Would it help him to wrap himself in his bed covers? Listen to music? Take a shower? Have a cold drink? Or scribble furiously (on paper) until eventually he feels like making drawings or writing about what bothers him?
If these strategies don’t work, you may need more help. Has your child always had “big emotions,” or is this a recent development?
Have there been major changes in his life or in your family’s situation that may have gotten under his skin? Have other family members had problems with “big emotions”?
If so, we suggest you consult your pediatrician, who can refer you to a mental health professional skilled in working with young children.
Questions or comments should be addressed to Dr. T. Berry Brazelton and Dr. Joshua Sparrow, care of The New York Times Syndicate, 620 8th Ave., 5th floor, New York, N.Y. 10018. Questions may also be sent by e-mail to: nytsyn-families(at)nytimes.com. The (at) represents the symbol on your keyboard. Questions of general interest will be answered in this column, which may be posted on a Families Today Web site or collected in book form. Drs. Brazelton and Sparrow regret that unpublished letters cannot be answered individually.
Responses to questions are not intended to constitute or to take the place of medical or psychiatric evaluation, diagnosis or treatment. If you have a question about your child’s health or well-being, consult your child’s health-care provider.
Dr. Brazelton heads the Brazelton Touchpoints Project, which promotes and supports community initiatives that are collaborative, strength-based, prevention-focused sources of support for families raising children in our increasingly stressful world. Dr. Sparrow, a child psychiatrist, is director of Special Initiatives at the Brazelton Touchpoints Center. Learn more about the Center at www.touchpoints.org.
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{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
My almost four year old daughter has always had “big emotions.” She can be very gentle and loving but also very aggressive. For about a month now she has been hitting, kicking, pulling hair, etc mostly of me and sometimes Daddy. She does it when she gets angry with other kids, when she gets scared or wants attention. It has become increasingly embarrassing to socialize since I feel humiliated by my own daughter. I have tried ignoring her, talking to her about her emotions, having Daddy intervene and take her away from me until she apologizes and reflects on it, etc. I can see it coming every time. She gets a “defiant” look and I don’t know how to handle it anymore. Any ideas?
Dear CC. \
From what you have said, you have a 4 year old that is sensitive, emotional and feels deeply, which means she can express love but also frustration, anger ,sadness, all in “full volume”.I can see how frustrating it may be for you as you seem to have tries it all and not getting any satisfying results can naturally make you feel humiliated and incompetent as a mother. First, let me assure you, your kid seems to be a normal 4 year old with a personality trait that gets her emotions easily triggered. Emotional Coaching may be a best tool to help her get a handle on her emotions before fully triggered. Through Emotional coaching your kid will learn to recognize her emotions, understand what’s causing them, and reflect on them, therefor learn to mange them. There are few steps to Emotional Coaching: first: recognize and validate your child feeling, whatever they may be. Second, help her understand what may have caused it, ( explore with her,who or what, made her angry? is she mad or is she sad? etc.) secondly, set limits on the behavior, it is okay to feel however she feels but not all behavior is acceptable. Last, problem solve: How can she express her feelings differently, in more acceptable ways, and what can she do next time to avoid getting triggered. ( help her find ways to self regulate )
This is of course a process, but once your daughter will get engaged in it with you, she will have better idea what is expected of her and will feel less hijacked by her emotions. You can read more about emotional coaching in John Gottman’s book.
One more thing to ponder: Did something happens a month ago that may have caused the change in behavior?
I hope this is helpful. Yaffa