Your parenting questions answered
Question: As a new mom I am trying to understand what healthy attachment looks like. For instance how many hours a day do I need to hold my child to create a healthy attachment?
Answer offered by Susan Nelson: (see contributors page for more info. on Susan)
Attachment in the parent-child context refers to the relationship between a child and their primary caregiver or parent. Healthy parent-child relationships begin during pregnancy when a mother becomes more inwardly focused and preoccupied with her growing fetus. Post-partum this process continues most intensely in the first 6 months of the baby’s life. From the beginning, the baby tries to communicate his or her experience. It is the parent’s job to make sense of the communication and respond in a way that meets the baby’s needs. This in turn builds the foundation for the child’s emotional experience, most importantly what they can expect from the world. These communications happen many hundreds of times in the first several months. As a result, the child builds an understanding that his or her experienced need will generally be met. Eventually the child begins to experience that they have some omnipotent power in the world and that the desired object, a breast or a bottle or the change of a wet diaper, appears. The baby then understands that having needs is ok and that one’s needs generally get met. This is the foundation of emotional life and the building of healthy attachment in relationship.
How each family responds to the needs of a child is unique. There is no one way to build a healthy attachment. The continuous holding of a baby doesn’t in and of itself create healthy attachment. It is about the relationship and communication between the baby and the caregiver. It is also important to note that babies will experience being disappointed. This is not necessarily a negative thing in the building of healthy emotional experience. When a need is delayed, babies begin to draw upon their prior experience of having had needs met. This allows them to conjure up the experience of the loving and responsive caregiver and then use that internalized caregiver to self soothe by sucking a finger, cooing or holding a special blanket, etc. We would call this child secure in their attachment. A secure child is most likely to develop when there is a community of support in the life of that family. Listening Mothers can be one aspect of that needed support.
This following question was sent to us from a stay at home mom of two girls.
I am a stay-at-home mom of two girls, ages 4 ½ and 2. I have been struggling with the question of how long and how much I should try to protect my girls from the harsh realities of the real world – violence, crime, war, death, etc. I don’t even like to have the news on when they are in the room! The fact is, my older daugher will shortly be entering kindergarten and she will be exposed to ‘new realities’ by her teacher, her classmates as well as older students at the school. On the flipside, should I introduce some of the harsher realities so I can help prepare her?
And conversely in the case of my two year old, I find that she is being exposed to a variety of things at a much earlier age than my first-born ever was. I’m wondering whether it is possible to age-appropriately protect her in a household with a curious and vocal older sibling. In closing, I’d love to know how much protection is too much and how much is not enough.
Answer offered by Michelle Terry (see contributors page for more info. on Michelle)
I find your question very poignant in that as parents, we truly only want the best for children. We provide them with, nutritious foods, and safe shelter while embracing them with all the love our hearts have to give. We actively seek outstanding early learning experiences that will prepare them for a first class education in the classroom, while maintaining routines that will one day become precious childhood memories. Above all we want our children to be happy – content and settled in their own community – yet well prepared to explore the world.
And yes we cannot completely control or children’s environment or experiences. Whether it is commercial television or public broadcasting, the World Wide Web or a neighbor’s conversation, our children like little sponges, soak up impressions of which we have no control and may have no memory. Unfortunately we cannot necessarily influence or interpret their memories either.
Mindful Parenting is the realization that the world is both a wonderful and scary place. Those random acts of kindness and violence happen all the time, and that as individuals we can only live one day at a time to make our own situation, and that of our neighbor, better. For children that means for example buying a Real Change paper and explaining to children that some people make their living this way in that do not have a permanent home. And if the child is ready, you can talk about what causes homelessness and what people with homes can do to help others less fortunate. Children begin to ask questions when they are ready, and it is our job as parents to anticipate, welcome and cherish the opportunity to teach our offspring – about all that is good, and some of what is bad in the world.
What do you think?
If you have a question – any parenting question at all please submit it to us via email to info@mindfulparentscommunity.com.
