Mindful Doc.
Question: I am the parent of 2 children ages 3 and 5. With Summer here and the pre-school year complete, I am feeling the effects of the move from a very scheduled day to a very open ended day. I am thinking about signing up for some of the day camps around town particularly the more educational ones so they can learn and socialize, but am concerned that my children might just need the break from routine and that I am pushing them too hard. I want them to be engaged and entertained this summer, but I also like the idea of just going with where the day takes us and spending it together without commitments to camps. What advice do you have for a parent such as myself?
Answer: Questions of scheduling and down time are always challenging. There is no one “right” answer and what works best for your kids and family will depend on their temperaments and your attitude.
Some people are extroverts; they get their energy from interacting with others. Some people are introverts, they recharge by being on their own, and while they may enjoy people, being with others drains their energy. If your child is an extrovert, they may be in heaven in a camp setting. If your child is an introvert, they may flourish spending more time on there own or just with family.
There are many fabulous programs to choose from in our area. I am struck by your comment about “educational” programs. Especially for young children, EVERYTHING is educational and much of the most important learning is in the social/emotional realm and not traditional “book learning.” Young children learn through play and especially imaginative play. So, fun=education for kids! They can have fun in a structured setting or free form at home with you. Both work and the attitude you bring as a parent will largely determine the experience of your child. Camp can be a structured, regimented continuation of the school year routine, or it can be a great new adventure. Being at home with mom or dad can be an exercise in occupying oneself while parents struggle to get laundry, cooking and errands done, or it can be spontaneous new adventures and quality time each day. And, given that we all have errands to complete, some combination of both is a solution that works well for many families. But, if parents need to work and camp is not a choice but a necessity, do not feel like you are over scheduling your child. Approach it with the right attitude and choose a program that understands the value of play. And if camp is not in the cards due to financial strains or other issues, do not feel like you are depriving your child of opportunities to learn or socialize. A backyard or park can easily become a pirate ship and siblings and neighbors (or willing parents!) can make great shipmates.
Finally, think about your needs. Do you need structure to maintain your own sanity? Does time away from the kids make you a better parent? Or, are you energized by the idea of a summer full of days just waiting to be filled with adventures in the park, zoo, garden and museum? There is truth to the saying that a happy parent makes for a happy kid.
Question: My 5 year old son tends to see the negative in life. If we go on a family outing he’ll complain it wasn’t fun because he was hot or the lines were long or his sisters were mean to him instead of focusing on the fun that we had. It seems no matter his experiences – big or small - he only remembers the ‘not so good stuff.’
Answer: We all know adults like this.
People who see the glass as half empty and seem to squash ideas with their doubts and hesitations. My guess is that you do not want this for your son.
On the other hand, as a mindful parent, you do want to encourage the feeling and expression of a full range of emotions in your child. Those negative comments are also true for him. He was hot. His sisters did pick on him. The negative feelings and memories are not bad or wrong. They are also not the full story.
In my family, we have a bedtime tradition of sharing the day’s Roses and Thorns (or sunshine and clouds, etc) The thorns may be easier for your son at first, but then you have a framework in which to encourage him to think of the roses as well. My 3 year old often has difficulty and will ask me to remind him of things that happened during the day or to share my roses and thorns first (then you get to practice emphasizing the positive!).
We have a different issue with my 6 year old. He often will not offer any thorns. With him, we need to help him feel ok thinking about and re experiencing unpleasant emotions. The goal of helping our children feel comfortable with the full range of emotions remains the same.
It is also important to look in the mirror and recognize what you are modeling. Do you express positive and negative emotions freely with your children? Are you upbeat and positive, yet willing to go to the hard places if needed? Some parents only express emotions when they are angry or disappointed. Others are super sunny all the time and unwilling to let their children see them sad.
Certainly, there are appropriate times to edit our emotional responses for children. But I would encourage an age-appropriate, balanced and honest approach.
Finally, if you find that your child persistently not only emphasizes the negative, but also seems to harbor negative feeling about himself and his abilities, you may want to talk to your pediatrician about depression. This disorder does occur in children.
Your child will not be diagnosed with depression if he just has the “blues” but persistent symptoms that interfere with his social or family interactions or school do warrant further investigation.
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