ZERO To THREE is a national nonprofit organization whose main goal is to research and share up to date information on how to promote emotional health in children and their families.
Recently, they have conducted a survey of 1,615 parents of children ages birth to three years old exploring possible gaps in knowledge of early development as well as factors that influence their approach to parenting.
The survey revealed that although parents have good general understanding of how to promote their child’s development, they have less understanding when it comes to their child’s milestones related to social and emotional development. Without this understanding, parents have unrealistic expectations of children’s behavior. This may likely increase tension and frustration.
Also, parents may underestimate the impact that early experiences have on their child’s healthy emotional development. Without the awareness of just how deeply a child can be affected by these early experiences, parents may not be as sensitive and or responsive to their child’s needs, possibly missing important cues.
For example, one question that parents were asked in the survey:
“At what age, on average, do you think infants and toddlers can experience feelings such as sadness and fear?”
(Research shows: by 6 months, most babies can experience feelings such as sadness or fear).
Parents answer: The majority of parents (69%) think that this developmental milestone occurs later in life, probably at around 2 or 3 years old.
Another question: “At what age, on average, do you think infants and toddlers can begin to sense if their parents are angry or sad and can be affected by their mood?”
(Research shows : babies can sense parent’s mood at birth and be affected by it by the time the baby is 6 month old).
Parents answer: 2/3 of parents think this ability occurs in the child much later, therefore underestimate the impact their moods may have on their babies.
Why all that is important?
As we explore in the Listening Mothers and Reflective Parenting groups, the more attuned that the parents are with their child’s emotional state, the more understood the child feels ( “feeling felt” by his parent) which allows the child to develop a coherent sense of self and positive sense of connection to his parents.
Not only does the child feel empowered by the synchronicity that develops, but so are the parents. . The more that parents are able to respond, with somewhat accuracy, to their child’s needs, the more they too feel competent. Since the emotional needs of the child are met, the level of stress is naturally reduced.
So what does all of this have to do with a marshmallow?
Let me explain by going back to the survey.
Another important question that parents were asked in the survey was:
“At what age, on average, can an infant control their emotions?”
Most parents expected this to happen much earlier than what science actually tells us (which is only when the children reach 3-5 years old).
This is an example when parents expectations proceeds the child ability to have impulse control.
In either case, whether parents underestimate when the early age that their own emotions can impact their baby or, whether they overestimate the child’s ability to control their emotions, it is clear that they are not attuned with their child. This is a situation that can lead to frustration, conflict and often confusion and rage for both parents and child. In the case of impulse control, the parent’s inability to guide their child sensitively and timely to delay gratification may even have longer term ramifications.
Walter Michel, a renowned psychologist , designed an experiment to test the ability of 4 years old to delay gratifications and control their impulse. He first put a marshmallow in front of the child (therefore the name “the marshmallow experiment”. Later the same experiment was repeated, but this time Oreo cookies were used instead of marshmallows.)
The 4 year olds were sat by a table on which one cookie was placed and were told that the experimenter had to leave the room for few minutes. If they do not eat the cookie during that time, when the experimenter got back, they would get 2 cookies.
The children struggled each in their own way. Their (videoed) reactions are amusing and show how hard it is for them to cope with temptation. They try different techniques. They flirt with the cookies, touch them, make faces, and shift the dish from side to side. One girl turned her back to the dish and covered her eyes. A boy, perhaps a future Mafioso, opened the cookie, ate the filling, stuck the two parts back together and put it back on the dish as though it were untouched.
It is a cute experiment but the results are long ranging. Who would ever have guessed that a brief observation of a four-year old alone with a marshmallow or a cookie would be an excellent predictor of college entrance exam scores?
At four years of age gobbling a cookie now versus waiting for two later is twice as good a predictor of later SAT scores than is IQ. Poor impulse control is also a better predictor of later delinquency than is IQ (Block, 1995)(Via EconLog.)
To conclude, parenting is an ongoing experiment in trial and error! Parents who stay curios about their own as well as their child’s inner world and are able to regulate their emotions, will be more attuned to their child’s needs. These parents are morel more likely to respond to their children with sensitively and with greater accuracy. This will lead to their child’s emotional health as well as their academic success.
Easier said than done? Join one of our groups and find out how you can be the parent you deserve to be!
Photo by JasonTromm
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{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
The marshmallow test, although often referenced in books/articles about child-rearing, has now been disproved. Read the book “Nurtureshock” (great read) or just check out this article. http://www.thedailybeast.com/blogs-and-stories/2010-02-19/just-let-them-eat-the-marshmallow/?cid=hp:beastoriginalsL1
Dear Linda, thank you for your comment. The mentioning of the Marshmallow Experiment in my blog was neither to endorse it nor to make it the main point of my writing. The main issue that the experiment brings to focus is the importance of impulse control in learning.
Po Bronson in his book you mentioned, ( which I also recommend) Nurture Shock, agrees that effortful control and self discipline are better predictors than IQ of later success in school.( P174)
Learning to regulate oneself is the key. Parents who are attuned to their child developmental needs and who developed strategies for self regulation, will help their kids better in their natural struggle with impulsivity and dis-regulated states.